Magic Cardigan Makes All Your Lady Parts Disappear

In today’s news, I made a cardigan sweater and I imagine I’ll wear it way too much for the next few weeks because it covers the following scenarios:

  1. Bralessness
  2. Wrinkled blouses
  3. Stains
  4. Paint splatters
  5. Camel toe
  6. Although I don’t plan to test it (who does?) it will probably also cover certain scenarios that could happen in the event of a laughtastrophy

In keeping with the spirit of the covert nature of this cardigan’s activities, I am including here the pictures I took a few minutes ago. You won’t get much detail, probably, but maybe that’s the point. Between the weave and the colors and the cut, this sweater is practicing to deceive.

But first, can we talk about cameras for a sec? Because I need to know: if we buy a new camera (or a new phone – mine’s an iPhone 5), will my pictures turn out better? Deep, deep sigh, folks. Oh for some pictures with sun, color, and other stuff that makes pretty pictures.


cardigan_in_progressOh well. On with the show. What we have here is some fabric of alien substance, purchased in the last couple of months from Joann’s. I am certain it is an unnatural fiber because I threw all my yardage in the washing machine without securing the cut ends, then washed it in warm warm on a regular cycle, then tossed it in the dryer where it finished drying in FOUR MINUTES. Literally. Four. Minutes. With nary a wrinkle and zero unravelling, stretching, fading or anything else. It is lightweight, drapey, extremely soft, fuzzy and darker on one side than the other. I’m guessing a lightweight acrylic sweater knit of some type. Probably about 50% stretch on the cross-grain. I have no idea why that will someday be important for me to know about fabric, but evidently it is and so I mention it here. I should also add that I cut this on the cross grain because I have no intention of running stripes of any kind horizontally across my body at this time in my life.

I used the 1997 Nightgown pattern again, this time with the Robe view, which I lopped off 10″ under the waistline. I unfortunately bought that pattern in L/XL only, but for a cardigan the L is great because I’ll always have this layered over other things. It calls for ties inside and out, but I decided not to add them, since I would never use them. When I got to the instructions for the collar, everything stopped making sense. After reading them (there were only about 3) 15 times I finally said, “screw it” and did what felt right to me, and this was the result. And I like it. In fact, I like everything about this cardigan, even though I’m sure it’s full of flaws, and I plan on wearing it to death.

Let’s kick this off with a mug shot, first, because one should always mug when one trips over a surprisingly flattering camera angle while one is struggling to hold an iPhone in one’s tiny little hand so that one can attempt to photograph one’s very own enormous cardigan creation.

Must mug.
I promise I only kiss my reflection on the Internet.




Join the discussion and tell us your opinion.

Jennifer Areply
February 05, 2016 at 01:02 AM

Is this really made from a robe pattern? I never would have thought to do something like that. It looks great! Looks like a cardigan that I would wear regularly.

February 05, 2016 at 03:02 AM
– In reply to: Jennifer A

Yes ma’m. It’s from Simplicity 4794. You can see a picture of the pattern here out at PatternReview:

February 05, 2016 at 12:02 PM

That cardy has SUPERPOWERS. Go cardy.

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