Not Too Cutie Patootie Jumpsootie

I’ve been looking for a good jumpsuit pattern to dive into ever since I jettisoned my obscene, mean, green, overalls. I’ve actually purchased a couple of digital patterns, but when I was in Joann’s last weekend I happened upon this easy make and decided to give it a shot. Presenting See & Sew’s B6312, view B.

As promised, it was, indeed, a fairly easy sew even though it required my first zipper and my first set of in-seam pockets. The pattern only has 3 pieces – front, back, and pocket, each of which are cut twice (not on the fold), and it doesn’t even require an inordinate amount of fabric. I decided to use up this light weight denim, but I forgot that it’s 60″ wide, so I still have enough left for another project. I cut a size medium, going from the finished measurements rather than the sizing on the back of the package.

Note: due to some seriously bizarre and totally unfair peri-menopausal proportion changes, I am now a perfect size 12 everywhere except for my abdomen, which has decided OF IT’S OWN ACCORD to be a size 18 or, on a bad day, 22. This jumpsuit appeared on a size 22 day, if you know what I mean.

As you would expect, the pattern does have 5/8″ seam allowances. I don’t mind that at this stage in my sewing because it leaves room for mistakes. One complaint I do have, though, is the 5/8″ seam allowance for the neck. It made it harder to sew on bias for the neck binding, and, per the instructions, I ended up cutting away most of that allowance (including the stay stitching I’d just been instructed to sew) as soon as I got the bias sewn to the front of the neckline. Also, this was my first “v” neckline, and it turned out wavy despite my best efforts. I’m going to blame that on this pattern. Just kidding. It’s totally my fault, although I don’t know what I did wrong. Hopefully I’ll improve (quickly) with practice, because v-neck’s are my favorite.

Ok, now that I’ve given you as much of a sewing review as you’re going to get on this pattern (other than me saying loudly I LOVE YOU BERNINA ARTISTA 180 SO, SO, SO MUCH), let’s talk about pictures.

I tried this on the other night right after I got the seams sewn up, and before I’d tackled the neck binding or the hems or the sleeves or… well, come to think of it, I still haven’t hemmed the legs and the seams are simply going to get the pinking shears treatment… but, at any rate, I tried it on hot off the sewing machine. And I laughed out loud, because I looked like I was wearing some weird uniform, or maybe like a Saturday Night Live character from 1985, or maybe even a little bit like Humpty Dumpty, if Humpty Dumpty was walking around my sewing room in bare feet sans tie, socks, or shoes.

Point being that I already knew this wasn’t going to be a sexy suit. My hope – and my challenge! – was that I would be able to accessorize this sucker right in to fashion. Which is what I initially intended to do. But then Paco came home from work right about the time I’d managed to strap on my new Coach platform sandals (purchased for last week’s job interview), and the light outside was gorgeous and about to go away, and I figured out very quickly that a belt was NOT going to be a good idea, and I just said, “screw it” and handed him the camera. He did attend NYU Film School in the summer of 1981, so I always expect big things from Paco where cameras are concerned. He suggested I wrap a scarf I was struggling to do something fashionable with around my waist, so I did.

This was the result:

 

He showed me the picture and, after pausing to find my words, I said, “Let’s try some more slenderizing angles,” to which he agreed, and then squatted down in exactly the same position he’d been in before. Then he did this:

 

He handed me the camera again, as if to say, “You can see there’s really nothing more I can do with this, right?” But I hadn’t given up on him, yet.

“Let’s take some pictures of my cutie patootie bootie!” I said, enthusiastically, pressing the camera back into his open, but sort of limp and unenthusiastic hand. “How’s this?” I asked pertly, sticking out my rear end and grinning over my shoulder. But I could tell he was just squatting there, not taking a picture. I turned fully around.

“Ok,” he said, kindly, “You know, I can see something that might be a problem. The zipper just seems really… long.”

And he was right. The zipper, which reaches halfway down my bootie (if you know what I mean) and reaches for, but always fails to arrive at (thank God), my nether regions, is 22″ long, because that’s what the instructions told me to use. I’m a shorty. My back isn’t even 22″ long. I knew that when I followed the instructions but I thought maybe the people who wrote the instructions knew something magical and mathematical I did not know about my own back. Now I know they did not.

I looked at the picture and said, “Oh dear. Not so much a cutie patootie bootie anymore. More just a biggish bootie.”

To which he replied, “I cannot lie.”

You might think, after this exchange, that I would refuse to take a walk with my husband and my always fashionable, always fancy chihuahua children, but you would be wrong, because he grinned in a way that reassured me that he likes big booties when he handed the camera back to me. Plus, he gave me time to put my real shoes back on and remove the ridiculous scarf I was using instead of a belt, and that gave me more photo opportunities, which I’m including below. We did try this one photo with the fab tall shoes and sans the not-a-belt-scarf-belt, and I kinda like it, even though I look like I just ran from prison in 4″ platform sandals (which almost any woman could do, once she escaped, probably, if they were these shoes):

 

So we headed out into the sunset. But first, we tried this stylish version of my outfit, in which I look like I am being swallowed by a giant hat or – if the background was a beach – by a manta ray:

 

All in all I actually see myself wearing this – with my Converse shoes, and probably with some major jazzing up. I think this jumpsuit needs to be bedazzled in a big way, and I’ve never said that about anything ever before in my entire life. Front patch pockets in addition to side seam pockets? And why not? Who doesn’t need more pockets? Rhinestones? Sequins? Embroidery? Beads? Lace? THIS JUMPSUIT NEEDS MORE EVERYTHING, AMIRIGHT? If for no other reason than to distract people from becoming mesmerized by the back of my arms.

Seriously. I think this might be on the verge of becoming my sewing/go to Pong shows jumpsuit, even with the weirdly long zipper. Somehow, it fits me, even though I’m not sure it fits me, and that’s really good enough for me.

 

Oh, Ok, I guess I’ll show you these zipper pictures, too, which I insisted my reluctant Paco take:

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The zipper went in without a hitch, and everything was lined up perfectly at the neckline, too, until I added the dang bias binding 🙁

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Full back view, hanging loose. Just like the back of my arms, apparently.