Pretend proud of creation when mother says, “Huh. I’m surprised you were able to get that half way around the neckline when it’s not on the bias. What? Oh, nothing, I was just admiring your… wow! look at the time! your Dad will be getting hungry about now.”
Walk mother to car, where father waits in driveway to take her back home (again).
Rashly activate all “Share”-type social networking capabilities of blog.
Post desperate message to Facebook GroovyLittleCity page.
Impulsively invite all Facebook friends to like page, simultaneously.
Wait for miracle to happen.
The Next Day
Pretend not to hear plaintive whining coming from direction of dummy.
Aimlessly surf Internet for several hours.
Shower, put on make-up, try out new mascara and lip gloss.
Briefly consider using actual double-fold bias tape but reject idea because all trim now suspect and undependable.
Briefly consider making own neckline binding from fabric but reject idea because extra work plus hate cutting bias strips to sew together PLUS hate ironing double-gauze because it does weird things and I always burn my fingers and hate floppy neck bindings so NO.
Decide hate double-gauze Kimono. Blame for all of our troubles.
Grow tired of Kimono’s plaintive cries. Turn Kimono around on dummy to face corner and think about what it is doing wrong.
Realize Kimono looks better with the front to the back and the back to the front.
REALIZE CAN HAND STICH ROLLED HEM AROUND ENTIRE CUT EDGE OF KIMONO NECKLINE AND SEW TOP 3″ OF NOW BACK FRONT AS SEAM AND BE FABULOUS.
Make mental note of jeans, socks, and shoes to be worn for professional-looking photo shoot with fantastic fixed Kimono.
Receive comment from Oonaballoona encouraging me to take a sewing class and tell Kimono to fwack off.
Haha, Oona’s so funny.
Decide to try to learn how to use rolled hem foot on new sewing machine.
Find video that makes using rolled hem foot look suspiciously easy. Attempt on scrap and realize only rolling one roll with very tiny hem that reminds self of wave stitch on Baby Lock sergers.
Attempt to hand double-roll hem on straight stitch without making use of foot.
Reach first curve. Unsure what to do. Enormous sense of doom bearing down, making sewing room dark and humid.
Watch Nightwatch with Paco.
Retreat to sewing room in fuzzy bathrobe and granny gown. Rip out recent machine hemming. Plop headphones over ears and reading glasses over eyes. Grab thread off sewing machine. Settle in for a little hand sewing.
Sweet relief. Have been hemming since I was 10. Am just over five feet tall. EXPERT HEMMER.
Realize playlist is randomly playing whatever it feels like playing. Spoon is followed by St Petersburg Radio and TV Symphony Orchestra. Flight Of The Valkyries is followed by Afternoon Delight. It’s like having an entirely new playlist. Self approves!
3am: Realize neck, shoulders and wrists now locked permanently in oddly industrious-looking position.
3:15am: Force kimono over dress dummy shoulders. Realize new front seam curves to right shoulder and left side of v-neckline longer than right side.
3:16am: Unable to understand how one side of a v-neckline can be longer than other side of v-neckline when both sides meet in v in middle of neck.
3:30am: Still unable to understand v-neckline math problem. Now seems like an ideal time to cut a new v-neckline in back of kimono.
3:31am: Pin garish Hawaiian trim, front to back, on neckline. Sew in place.
4:00am: Decide to stack another row of Hawaiian trim edge to edge with current trim to make double row of Hawaiian trim ribbon v-neckline, which will cover multiple-universe/string theory/algebra problem occurring on left side of front v-neck and, simultaneously, bring peace to the Middle East.
4:30am: Realize Hawaiian trim now facing two different directions and time travel paradox now fully in effect: you cannot go back in time and marry yourself and you cannot go forward in time and make Kimono project success. Understand, for first time, how true this really is.
4:31am: Fold Kimono up neatly and place in plastic stash holder with large black pom-pom trim and leftover Christmas flannel.
4:32am: Make mental note to thank Oonaballona for sending me all her kindness, letting me know about a seemingly simply pattern that kicked her ass once, too, and making me feel a little bit better about being defeated by a simple kimono made of gauze.