Rhymes With Duck

I seriously loves me some curse words. To wit: when I read the word “fucking” in a sentence I always laugh. I also tend to giggle when I read the word “monkey,” but not as much. This is primarily why I ordered the Thug Kitchen cookbook. That, and because I am working on becoming a vegan, but that’s another blog post.

Recently, I decided to start trying to use the word. Not “monkey”, which any fool can use. The other one. This is how Paco and I discovered that I have no talent for it. That’s why I was surprised when I tried it out on him the other day and he started laughing.

“Did I do it?” I asked, honestly surprised. “Are you laughing because I was funny?”

“No. I’m laughing because you can’t say “fucking” and I think that’s funny.”

Even David, who pretty much never even says, “gosh,” can use the f-word effectively in a sentence.

My cousin, Erin, was here this afternoon, and we were talking about this, in part because she had just dropped the f-bomb for the 10th time in an hour.

“You know,” I told her, somewhat enthusiastically, “I can’t say that word. I’ve been trying, and I always just fail. I fail at fucken cussing!” I noticed her wince involuntarily even though I could tell from the way she squinted that she was trying not to. “See?”

“No, really, that sounded good to me.”

But it didn’t really sound right to either of us. We’re related. I knew. And then I had a thought.

“I think maybe I fail because I say it wrong. I always get excited because I know I’m about to say that word out loud and then I rush and always end up saying, ‘fucken’ instead. Like I’m saying, ‘chicken’ but with an ‘f’. I think that’s why I fail. I always trip up.”

I can’t help it. I know I have used the word in anger in my past, when I was working a high pressure job with a bunch of men who were totally relieved to learn that I could cut loose with the f-word when I was ticked off at somebody. And somehow, the f-word is to language like smoking is to bars: nobody cusses until somebody else does, and then everybody lights up the conversation with expletives, like a bunch of 9 year olds just learning to talk like grown ups. This is something I miss about working. And also about bars. The laughing, and the talking to people. And also making money. So fucken much money. But that, also, is another blog post.

The other day I posted a blog entry that included a cartoon of my face saying “fucking” in two different sentences. I thought it was quite funny, but my mother (the only person to read it thus far) gave me two comments, one of which suggested I switch to “fracked” like all the Republicans do1, and one of which asked me to stop spamming her Facebook page with my fracking foul language.

It is in this context that you will now see the words “fwack” and “fwacking” in lieu of that other word that I can’t say anyhow (but only when it’s coming from my own mouth).  I do this in honor of my parents, and also of my own fexpletive-challenged writing ability. From now on you can tell your friends and relatives that I have a really fowl mouth. Really fwacking fowl.

1I cannot do this, as Mom is well aware. Both my political leanings and my ecological bent prevent me from using such a tasteless term in such a public forum.

6 Comments

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oonaballoonareply
January 12, 2016 at 02:01 AM

This is fucking hilarious.

(and i love your blog.)

Wacoreply
January 12, 2016 at 04:01 AM
– In reply to: oonaballoona

WOW!!! Thanks, Ooona. Now I feel like a rising star 🙂

oonaballoonareply
January 12, 2016 at 02:01 AM

(ps: i immediately went to bloglovin to add you to my feed, and bloglovin was all “that site’s new wanna add it here” and i was all “yeah sure” then i was all “WAIT WHAT IF SHE THINKS BLOGLOVIN IS THE MAN.” so i didn’t add it. but i hope you do for my own selfish feed reasons.)

Wacoreply
January 12, 2016 at 04:01 AM
– In reply to: oonaballoona

Oh, thank you for not adding me (yet). This is a teeny tiny baby blog right now, and I’m working kinks out of the theme. I can’t even get the dang comments to work on all the pages right now (grrr). But it will definitely be working within a few days. It will even have more content and will actually be navigable 🙂 This is where having a history in web development comes in handy. At any rate, I’ll add myself to bloglovin soon and will let you know when I do.

oonaballoonareply
January 12, 2016 at 05:01 PM
– In reply to: Waco

HA! i feel like your is infinitely more navigable than mine, & such a cool design! but i’m glad i stopped myself 🙂

Wacoreply
January 17, 2016 at 03:01 AM
– In reply to: oonaballoona

Hey Oonaballoona – I’m all Bloglovinified, now. You can (hopefully) add me from Bloglovin or from the button in the right column on my circus-ey new front page. Thanks again for your comments, and for being such a great sewmedian. SEWMEDIAN. YES!

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